I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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