I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
