im about as happy as oj after his trial
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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