a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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