y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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