i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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