I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
