The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
