Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
