there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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