i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
do herpes really smell.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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