I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
