I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
