you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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