I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
