Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
