I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
