Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
