I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
