she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
