I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
