Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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