you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
