Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
