I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
