I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
