two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
