Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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