Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I AM VODKA MAN
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
