Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
