My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
