I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
