nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
