Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
