Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
