Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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