I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize
