I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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