im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
how does that bad decision feel?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
