He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
