My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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