Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
