I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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