Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
