she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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