Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
