I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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