the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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