You're my little dorito
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
