we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
