he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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