I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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