Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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