And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
